Why Are We Sceptical About Positive Thinking and Gratitude?

Does optimism and looking at life with a heart full of gratitude make a person passive, lazy or ‘naive’? In the training sessions I deliver on topics such as optimism, living life with a positive mind and heart, and cultivating positive emotions, I am almost invariably confronted with the question above. ‘But hang on, teacher, if we always think positively, won’t people take us for fools?’, ‘But hang on, teacher, isn’t that just deluding ourselves?’, ‘But hang on, teacher, isn’t that just being a Pollyanna?’ If, when I pass on to the next world, I’m asked who caused me the most trouble in this one, I suppose I’ll say ‘Pollyanna’ straight away.

For decades, esteemed researchers and scientists—who have dedicated not only their careers but their very lives to optimism and gratitude, and who have shared with us the findings from their invaluable studies and research—have consistently emphasised the psychological, physiological and social benefits of these two attitudes. A strong immune system, a healthy cardiovascular system, greater enjoyment of life, stronger and more effective social relationships, and much more…

Given all these obvious benefits, the reason people remain so sceptical about optimism and gratitude is, of course, the misconceptions widely accepted by society.

1) Gratitude lulls people into complacency. According to this view, people who are grateful and content with their lot never feel motivated to strive for more; they are unwilling to make an effort or step outside their comfort zones. Instead of fighting to change anything, they remain passive in the face of injustice or wrongdoing. The truth revealed by thousands of studies, however, points to the exact opposite. In people who genuinely harbour and have internalised a sense of optimism and gratitude, the perception of ‘meaning and purpose’ is strengthened, resulting in a far greater motivation to strive for more than in others.

Research shows that people who consciously view life through the lens of gratitude and appreciation are far more effective at achieving their goals. In a study conducted at Berkeley, participants were asked to set six goals they wished to achieve over the following ten weeks. Half of the participants were asked to keep a gratitude and appreciation journal and to write down five events each week for which they felt grateful or which they appreciated. Over the ten-week period, the experimental group who kept the journal were observed to be far more motivated, determined and diligent in achieving their goals than the control group, who were not asked to do anything in particular. At the end of the ten weeks, it was found that the experimental group were 20 per cent more effective at achieving their goals than the control group.

Did this result surprise you? It shouldn’t. Think about it for yourself. Do you feel more energetic and determined when you’re in a friendly environment where you feel happy, secure, at peace, and supported by others, or in an environment you perceive as untrustworthy, unsettling, and where you feel people are constantly trying to bring you down? Does knowing that you have achieved things and that the future is bright encourage you more to move towards that future, or is it the opposite? Do you feel more motivated to walk further when the future is calling you, or when you want to run away from it?

Another area strengthened by a sense of gratitude and a positive outlook on life is that of social responsibility. People who feel gratitude and have a positive attitude towards life feel a greater sense of social responsibility because they wish to give back to the world and humanity what life and other people have given them. They do not merely make donations to charitable organisations; they take an active role within them, sharing not only from their wallets but also from what they possess, both physically and spiritually. They take an active role; rather than passively standing on the sidelines and saying, ‘Nothing good will come of this nation’, as is often assumed, they say, ‘If I do it, others will too’.

A few months ago, a friend of mine told me how saddened he was that people in this country seem not to care at all about orphaned children. When I asked him what he was doing to help these children, he replied, somewhat sheepishly, that he wasn’t doing anything but really wanted to – he just couldn’t find the time. When we met recently, he told me he’d started volunteering 10 hours a week for orphaned children. He then went on to describe how people were constantly donating everything from clothes to food, cleaning supplies to toys, and how people from all over the world were organising social activities for the children and taking an active part in them. She admitted that she hadn’t been aware of any of this before she started supporting the cause herself, and that she’d been very mistaken about society’s sensitivity to this issue; she felt ashamed of her ignorant comments. My friend had embarked on this work driven by negative feelings and anger towards society, coupled with the unease of having taken no action regarding the very issue he was complaining about; yet once he took action, the picture he saw was completely different. Unfortunately, unless we get involved, all we tend to see are the mistakes and abuses that occur, because our nature is programmed to focus on the negative, and the fact that these issues receive more coverage in the media inevitably directs our attention solely towards what is wrong. What’s more, we begin to assume that these represent the general state of society. Just as positive emotions and thoughts support a more active life, taking action on any issue also nurtures positive emotions and thoughts, supporting them through increased awareness.

A friend of mine, upon hearing the example I described above, pointed out that the abuses committed by various groups within society should not be overlooked. This is a perfectly valid stance; of course, they should not be overlooked. However, the point being made in this example is that, because of the mistakes and abuses committed by this specific minority of individuals or groups, the remaining 95 per cent of society—people like you and me—should not be made to appear discredited and untrustworthy in each other’s eyes. For this reason, we need to become more involved. As long as we remain on the sidelines, we not only allow these abusive minorities the space to operate, but we also attribute their actions to society as a whole, thereby losing our faith and trust in one another. Yet humans are social beings, and the more they trust their social environment, the healthier they remain in every sense.

2) Trying to feel gratitude or to view events positively is naivety; it is an escape from reality. The evidence, however, shows that the story goes far beyond this. Feeling gratitude and deriving benefit from something therefore requires being grateful to another; this is an extremely difficult situation for an unpolished, immature, raw human ego. Such an ego is far more inclined to declare everything a right that has been earned. Consequently, it can easily overlook the value that life and other people create for it. For such a young person, it is perfectly normal – indeed, a right – for their mother to put a meal on the table every evening or for their father to put pocket money in their pocket; and for this reason, they feel no need to express gratitude to either their mother or their father. On the contrary, if a meal is served one evening that is not cooked to their liking, they may feel entitled to express their dissatisfaction in every possible way. Consequently, to feel genuine gratitude and to convey its value to the other party is not something everyone is capable of. It requires humility – an awareness that, as befits the meaning of the word ‘human’, we are connected to everything that exists and has been created. On the other hand, knowing how to accept the support and generosity of others also requires maturity. Most of us would rather be the ones offering help to others than receiving it from them, wouldn’t we?

3) “If you’re too modest, they’ll take it for real.” This has been the sentence I’ve found hardest to grasp. Not knowing where to begin with this sentence, I’ve tried reading it over and over again, emphasising different words and changing the intonation, hoping to grasp some different and deeper meaning – but it just doesn’t work; I simply cannot find any meaning in it. When we acknowledge the value others bring to us, and express this by giving them the credit they deserve, do we ourselves become any less valuable or any less useful? In a study conducted at Carnegie Mellon University, participants were subjected to a very difficult exam and were given a series of hints during the test. Among the participants, only those with the highest ‘belief that their success was within their own control’ scores – that is, those with the highest personal responsibility scores – genuinely expressed gratitude for the hints they were given; the others simply accepted them as a necessary part of the experiment’s design. Indeed, people capable of feeling gratitude and appreciation can give others the credit they deserve, whilst never overlooking their own influence and responsibility for their success. They also know how to take credit appropriately when the situation calls for it.

4) When you find yourself in a truly difficult situation, it is not possible to feel grateful for it or to adopt a positive attitude towards it. This is precisely the point at which ‘Pollyannaism’ comes into play. When everything is going well for us, it is easy to pass judgement on another person’s troubles. However, it is precisely to cope with such situations that we need to feel gratitude, because in this way we can continue to see the bigger picture. It allows us to look at both the present moment and the entirety of life from a broader perspective, without becoming trapped in the specific difficulties and hardships created by that event or situation at a particular time. Is it easy? Of course not, but is it worth the effort? Absolutely… When we reflect on past events, focus on recognising the lessons within them, and realise the positive impact they’ve had on our lives, we can see that the same event no longer evokes the same negative emotions when recalled. Very often, we find ourselves saying, ‘Yes, it was a very difficult period, but I’m glad I went through it.’ In the one-to-one sessions I’ve conducted with thousands of people, I invariably ask them: if they had the chance to remove one event from their lives, which one would it be? A very large proportion – I haven’t measured it, but I can safely say more than two-thirds – describe one or two major, difficult situations they recall, but ultimately say they wouldn’t want to remove them from their lives. Therefore, the major difficulty we are currently experiencing – as statistics show – will become a situation in the future that we will not wish to remove from our lives, and for which we may even feel grateful (for if we do not wish to remove anything from our lives, it means we feel a deep sense of gratitude for its very existence). Therefore, it seems the best course of action is to focus on how we can effectively cope with this situation right now and how we can derive the best possible outcomes from it, both for ourselves and for those around us.

5) Gratitude is a religious matter. Yes, gratitude lies at the heart of all religions, yet millions of people who do not adhere to any religious practice also feel gratitude towards life, the world, the universe, the realm of living beings and other people. Feeling gratitude towards a bee for the honey it produces, or towards a friend who supports us in a difficult moment, has to do with being human, not with religion. Since the fundamental aim of all religions is to become a ‘true human being’, the issue here is simply being human; moreover, it is evident that within the entire realm of life today, every being possesses the capacity to express gratitude in its own way. 

I believe that behind all these misconceptions lies a tendency to underestimate this emotion and a lack of understanding of the qualities it requires. It is often assumed that the ability to truly feel gratitude is a simple, effortless, spontaneous and, consequently, passive state; yet, by virtue of their physiology, human beings are creatures inclined towards the negative and the impulsive. Being able to see the positive side and experience positive emotions requires a conscious, mindful effort and an ego that has turned its face towards maturity. 

Sanem Ömürlü